I started going to the gym around 2 and a half years ago. And from the get-go, I fell in love with it. It was the place where I wanted to go, where I wanted to be. It was all my life for a little while.

As time went by, my progress started to slow down, and due to some mistakes I was making (training for 3 hours a session with 20 exercises for one group. [the MAX you should do is 7]) it slowed down almost to the extent of making no progress.

Time was passing by, and I had accumulated more time in the gym, but stopped seeing any improvements.

I still loved going there, but when I was outside of it (or even inside sometimes) I started feeling inferior to others…I started comparing myself to them.

I remember I would see all these social media influencers with amazing bodies, posing in great lighting, and I used to think:

“WHY, WHY are these people making SO MUCH MORE progress than me? Look at your body, it’s HORRIBLE. You’re fat with no muscle on you.”

Yes, that’s right, I started experiencing what most people call: “body dysmorphia”. Which means: seeing flaws in your body, that may or may not be real, and exacerbating their importance.

If you’ve maybe experienced this, you know how hard it can be.

Just so you understand, this is how I looked back then:

Not bad, not great, but surely not how I saw myself.

And this wasn’t just a me problem. This habit of comparing ourselves to others seemed to possess everyone around.

I had a friend at the gym, the best looking man I know, one who was ready to enter a bodybuilding competition. He used to look in the mirror, flex his muscles a little, and then say: “Nah, I’m too small. This isn’t it.”

And he was looking almost like this:

Yeah imagine looking like that and thinking you’re small.

I started seeing that this wasn’t a problem in us, or in our bodies, these had nothing to do with it. After all, it didn’t matter how good you looked, you could still be suffering from this.

I said “fuck it, this isn’t the life I want to live”. So I started searching ‘what causes body dysmorphia’.

Guess what I found?

Comparing ourselves to others.

Of course we think our bodies are trash when all we can see is the best version of others, and all the versions of us, the best and the worst.

But we don’t even compare our best to their best, no no no. We compare their photoshopped photos with our bodies after a 2kg meal.

This isn’t just a bodybuilding problem.

We compare ourselves everywhere we go, in everything we do, whether that is sports, academic performance, love, confidence, friends etc.

And it always brings us pain, isn’t that so?

But why does it happen? And how can we stop it?

Let’s start with the ‘why’:

• In order to determine our value

• For motivational purposes.

  • We have the innate desire to compete with others, to be better.

  • We have the desire to be the best. It gives us worth and value.

• In order to be normal, to not be an outcast.

  • We want to regulate ourselves based on social norms

But where does it come from though? What are its characteristics?

1. Low self-esteem

2. A lack of self (we don’t know who we are, and so we try searching for a personality through others)

3. “The Life of Lack” (this is from Actualized.org and it refers to how we see something we want in others, then completely shut off our happiness until that is acquired)

I imagine you’re probably feeling lost regarding this subject, I know I surely did.

But, there is something we can do. I created a 3-pillar framework which, if applied, can get rid of your desire to compare yourself to others, and instead, make you love yourself for who you are.

I call it:

The Comparison Framework (ik, dumb name 🙂):

It consists of these 3 pillars:

• Self-Knowledge

• Self-Esteem

• Self-Love

If you build up these 3, you have got a sure way to stop any and every comparison.

I’ll firstly go into more detail on each, then give you practical advice on how to achieve it.

1. Self-Knowledge:

Most of us compare ourselves because of a lack of self. We don’t know who we are, and we don’t know who we should be.

Well, let me tell you something:

There is no self.

If you’re like me, you just said “what the fuck??” right now. But it’s true.

The great stoics, as well as the zen buddhists, both preached about how there is no such thing as self.

We know where every action of ours springs, we know completely what happens in our brains, and yet we haven’t found anything there that relates to ‘self’.

Why do you think that is?

There have been studies done on people with split brains. (which means the right hemisphere is separated from the left)

Every time there would be shown something to the right side of the brain (the action hemisphere), like ‘stand-up’ or ‘smile’, it would do it.

Afterwards, when the left side (the thinking hemisphere) was asked why he did that, he would try to give reasons that sounded good to him, getting them wrong every time, but still thinking he was right.

We always try and make sense of what we’re experiencing, and we start believing in something that we think to be correct, but those experiments show that this is just perspective.

There is no truth. There is no self.

Where do I want to get with this though?

Everything you are, or are not - Everything you know or don’t know about yourself, is just a product of your thinking.

This means that the power to change, the power to learn, the power to understand yourself, it all lies within you.

Self-Knowledge comes from accepting there is no self, and creating who you desire to be. No one can stop you from doing that.

Every person is unique, and everyone makes mistakes. Learn to embrace, rather than despise that.

People love authenticity in others, but are scared to display that themselves.

Your uniqueness is what makes you great. Remember that.

2. Self-Esteem:

Do you know the definition of self-esteem?

It is “the combination between how competent you believe yourself to be in everything that should happen to you AND how much respect you have for yourself”

The respect part, I’ll touch on when we talk about self-love. Here, I’d like to speak a little about how competent we believe ourselves to be.

If you’re still reading this article, chances are that you don’t really value your ability to deal with the challenges of life, and everything that comes with them.

And, you know what?

This is fine.

Our brain needs to see proof, undeniable proof of our competence in order to believe we are capable.

And you know where proof comes from?

Action

If we’re simply laying in our bedrooms all day doing fuck all, it’s normal to feel “useless”.

And I’m not saying you are, I’m not saying you need to be this way.

I’m only saying:

Get out there. And show your brain the proof it needs.

Become so much better, so much more competent, that it would be impossible for it to argue against you.

And, of course, there is the possibility that your brain simply is fucked up, and you are indeed competent, but it won’t let you see that.

In that case, you need the next point 👇

3. Self-Love:

Remember what I said earlier about there existing no self, right?

Well, I’m here to tell you: There is no self-worth either.

I know I’m destroying all your beliefs too fast, but bear with me here.

Let’s start slowly, What is worth exactly?

Worth is all but a label, created by our society to give an easier meaning to things.

Worth cannot be measured, because it is something that each one of us creates in our minds.

After everything, in our most natural way of being, in the moment before birth, and in the eternity after death, we’re all just humans.

Our worth is just that, the fact that we were born and the fact that we’re alive. Anything else is simply a label assigned by our society, and giving in to that belief will only result in you being a slave to other people’s value assignments.

We started using names such as “net worth” and other stuff like it to describe the ‘overall value of a person’. But, in reality, when you’re stripped down of everything, we’re all worthless.

Every person’s worth is 0

Because ‘worth’ does not exist. It is only a creation of our minds, which, of course, we have control over.

Why do you deserve something? Why do you deserve to be happy, peaceful, prosperous, and with a good life? Why do you deserve to be loved?

Because you’re human.

We all deserve everything.

Every time you told yourself that you’re worthless, you were right. But not because you’re void of value, but because worth doesn’t exist.

Loving yourself is a requirement for all of us. Unless we start loving and accepting ourselves, we’re gonna constantly compare ourselves, and bring us down as a consequence.

You deserve love, from others and, most importantly, from yourself.

I hope you managed to keep up with me. I know it took me a while to understand these concepts when I first heard them. But studying them in a more holistic way showed me that they are important to my life, and to every person’s life.

Recap:

• Self-Knowledge:

  • There is no Self, it’s up to you to create the person and the life you desire

• Self-Esteem:

  • Your brain can’t tell you you’re good when it hasn’t seen that

    • Show it undeniable proof of your competence. Make it shut the fuck up.

• Self-Love

  • “Worth” is just an illusion. You aren’t forbidden nor granted love because of it.

  • You deserve love just because you’re human. And yours is the most important.

One more small thing:

Do you know what’s the only useful reason to compare ourselves?

To expand your imagination of what’s possible

Look at others just to know what you could achieve yourself.

Your thoughts and actions control your life.

And you control them.

You can achieve anything in life, if you do as much as believe it.

Thank you for reading this far, you’re a real cutey 😂, and, if you want to do me a solid:

• Share this article with your friends. If it comes from you, they’ll read it.

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And until next time, have the most amazing day, and keep growing.